Every day lately, I find myself remembering what it felt like to be so full. Full of promise, full of dreams, full of shit. Mostly just full of yourself. So full you’re bursting. I look back upon my childhood, upon who I was as a child. A little girl with big dreams, never doubting that they would come true. I was so confident, so self-assured…and I was happy. Of course, I’m not saying I am a different person now, because I’m not. I’m still confident, still a little selfish and impatient, still out of control and hard to handle…still happy. But it’s harder now. Now, I’m aware of things I wasn’t as a child. Now there are doubts and insecurities. Everything looks different when you’re older, you’re not staring up at the world but down upon it. And, ironically, it’s more frightening from up here. Up here, you can see just how far there is to fall.
I guess, what I’m saying is that, it was so much easier back then, you know. To feel full. All you had to do was breathe. Back then, questions didn’t need answers and theories didn’t need proof. It was enough to just believe. It’s crazy and it’s amazing. It’s this great rush, like no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay just because you believe it will be. No doubts and really, how can it not be? When you’re young, it’s not that you’re completely ignorant. It’s just that you truly believe that bad things don’t happen to you…can’t happen to you. That’s why it’s called blissful ignorance. But the truth is, things end. People leave. And you know what? Life goes on. But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying. Sure, it was easier then, but you can’t just give up on feeling full. You can’t just settle for glass half empty or glass half full – whatever your view. You have to try like hell to fill yourself up with fresh air, from you and from other people.
No matter what is happening to you today, don’t give up. Because the world will knock you down plenty. You don’t need to be doing it to yourself. Just think: Tomorrow will be better. And if it’s not then you say it again tomorrow. Because it might be. You never know, right? At some point, tomorrow will be better. And in the meantime, if you don’t feel great on the inside, just look great on the outside, and after a while you won’t be able to tell the difference.
Perhaps, not the best advice. But it works. Not all the time. But sometimes, it works. You could ask, what do I know? And the answer would be: not a lot. I’m not young and I’m not old. I’m in that in-between state. The place where you can’t wait to grow up and wishing you didn’t have to. And I’m doing the best I can with the circumstances I’m given. Just taking it one day at a time. But if you asked me, I’d tell you that bad things need to happen. There’s no stopping it. It’s inevitable. And when you find yourself in a bad state, you do what anyone else would do. You deal. Because bad things only happen so that you can make a note of how not to feel when the good things do.